Lying my way to the truth

July 30,2018

      I first heard the phrase, ” living your truth” after listening to Iylana Vanzant in my twenties; I was in college and going through a bit of a personal crisis. My collegiate athletic career was a huge failure and life really didn’t make sense. I was sitting on the floor in my empty apartment crying and angry with God, but mainly myself. I thought college meant a better life and better me. Instead I was alone asking God why. Why me? Why am I destined to be and have nothing? In that state of hopeless desperation I was forced to take real look at myself. I actually looked at myself in a mirror, snotty nosed and red eyed. I had been living a lie. In fact, I was a liar and lying always catches up to you.

My dishonest nature had ruined all real relationships. I had no real support and most days were unbearable. Depression had taken hold of me and I had reached my breaking point. I laid on the floor and cried myself to sleep for three days feeling sorry for myself. I had made a plate and was sitting at the head of the pity party table feasting on my own bitterness.

You see most of my teen/adult life at that point I had lived inauthentically. I lied to others but mostly to myself. It didn’t matter  how well I competed athletically,drew or sang, I hated the person I saw in the mirror. I could only see myself through the words of others. I was her daughter, the woman who smoked crack. I was the black one. I was the ugly one. The one they forgot to invite. That one! So, I began to lie. I created a wall with lies in the hope that it shield me from my pain. Instead I began to slowly suffocate and almost considered taking my life. The lies had deceived and imprisoned me, isolating me from myself. There I stood spirtiually and emotionally naked and ashamed with nothing to cover with, except the TRUTH. I had lied my way to the truth.

Elizabeth Cady Stanton said it best, ” Truth is the only safe ground to stand upon”. With my foundation crumbling beneath me truth was the only thing capable of saving me. I then heard a voice inside say, And the truth will set you free. How did truth and freedom work together? Truth broke the chains. Truth has wings that allow you to soar beyond stars. I earned my wings back and intend on telling you how.

-A. Diane

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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